Italy Guide: Episode 1 – Does Italy Exist?

“The name of Italy has magic in its very syllables.”

Mary Shelly

Let’s start with the obvious, Italy does not exist. Yes, yes, I know you can find it on a map, and I have a passport issued by the Repubblica Italiana and even the dictionary has a definition for it.

The Collins dictionary states:

“A republic in S Europe, occupying a peninsula in the Mediterranean between the Tyrrhenian and the Adriatic Seas, with the islands of Sardinia and Sicily to the west: first united under the Romans but became fragmented into numerous political units in the Middle Ages; united kingdom proclaimed in 1861; under the dictatorship of Mussolini (1922–43); became a republic in 1946; a member of the European Union. It is generally mountainous, with the Alps in the north and the Apennines running the length of the peninsula. Official language: Italian. Religion: Roman Catholic majority. Currency: euro. Capital: Rome. Pop: 59 359 900 (2017 est). Area: 301 247 sq km (116 312 sq miles)”

This simple definition is entirely inappropriate to elaborate what Italy is. If one does not know what it is, one cannot then visit the place with any understanding. This lack of understanding transpires at every corner and makes Italians flinch, visibly. Italians are unable to hide our surprise, unlike the U.K. counterparts, who have been indoctrinated to do so since a very young age. Equally, as I know British Nationals are uncomfortable seeing anyone betray emotions, the most practical solution is to be informed. This is my mission today. I will build a bridge. I will arm you with essential knowledge, and, if needed, provide you with contingency survival techniques.

There is also an important caveat to this document. I am Italian. I am passionate about having opinions and Italy. The two combines will not make for politically correct reading. This is also part of the training. Italians are very vocal about their opinions, which are often peppered with sarcasm and not a small amount of cynicism. We won’t say something is “interesting” if we think it is utter balderdash. We will use a variety of expressions (facial, tonal, verbal, or/and mimicked), which are generally self explanatory and require no translation. The maxim that 80% of communication is non verbal is taken very seriously in Italy.

So what is Italy?

No one knows. Not even Italians who are still reluctant, for the most part, to admit its very existence. What I will bravely say is that Italy is merely a bunch of city states which have been bundled together with a mixture of Sellotape, sticky black plastic, occasionally Velcro, and superglue. Blue Peter would be proud. The weld is certainly tenuous, but we rattle along pretending, not very effectively, that we are a country. This is why we have some unusual geographical oddities and enclaves, such as Campione d’Italia (technically an Italian city in Switzerland), San Marino (a different country), and Lampedusa (an Italian Island in the Tunisian Sea) and the Vatican. I guess this is symptomatic of the generic confusion which resides in our consciousness… also summarised as: “a mess”.

Don’t be fooled though, the Romans were our ancestors and we have made an art of organising the mess. This manifests itself in the art of bureaucracy with 50 page forms, laws, documents, queuing systems, departments, which culminate in a sea of government officials with stamps. These individuals spend their careers carefully placing approval stamps on official documents (this was my dream job growing up). This systemically organised nature is how the country manages to welcome millions of tourists, pilgrims, fashionistas, artists, scholars, football fans, and car fanatics, without a glitch. How our beautiful products scream quality and beauty; how we recover from earthquakes, landslides, Vulcanic eruptions, the annual ritual flooding of Venice, and anything else which happens to come our way. We are organised, secretly, and most of all, we have a form to fill in, and a stamp to acquire. It is how Italy has become a brand in and of itself.

Sadly, this obsessive admin, may become pertinent to the U.K population, as you have now left the E.U. So, you may be asked to fill some of these modules. You have my sympathies. There is no advice anyone can give you to assist you in the ordeal. We can only extend our condolences for your troubles and walk away, head bowed, shaking our heads for you.

You may ask, “How is this relevant to me? I am only going on holiday.”

Simple. The background is relevant as it build the foundations which will help you avoid interregional dangers. It will help you stay alert and avoid you asking for Spaghetti alla Bolognese (see future episodes dedicated to this minor crime), or for Bolognese in Sicily. It will help you pick up the hints not to wax lyrical about Milan, when you are in Naples and vice versa, or say Siena is nicer than Florence. It is necessary for your survival, not just your enjoyment. Each city has its own proud traditions, food, customs, which are better than anyone else’s. Remember this! You can leverage these nuggets of knowledge to your advantage. Think strategy, people, strategy.

I will, as promised, outline the pitfalls and dangers throughout each section to the best of my ability which will still be very high level, but sufficient to avoid your immediate expulsion from the country, or public lynching which might ensue if you put salad on your lasagne, for example. I will split this guide into sections, by order of importance of course, so food will be front and centre.

My biggest suggestion for any trip to Italy is take time to enjoy it. Of course visit the sites, but remember Italy is about sitting back and watching the world go by, while you eat or drink something. We have 48% of USENCO world heritage culture sites, unless you are Flash Gordon, you are unlikely to cover them all, so pick your battles and make time to sit in a square and watch the world go by.